Before the Clock Strikes 12
by everlovingdeer
Summary: "If things were different, if I could become something other than a burden to you, then I would let myself love you. Like you should be loved." A Theseus au! version of my story When the Clock Strikes 12
1. Before the Clock Strikes 12

**Author's Note: I wanted to write a Theseus au of When the Clock Strikes 12 - a Newt short story I've written previously. You don't have to read it, but I know it's one of the more popular of the Newt stories. Anyway a bit of warning here, it's now canon knowledge that Theseus is 8/9 years older than Newt but for this one to be able to work without the age difference being too much, I've kept him as being 3 years older than Newt, as I had headcanoned in When the Clock Strikes 12. Just for this one shot, imagine the Scamander brothers having a smaller age gap**

* * *

The older I became, the worse my days were. And the worse my days were, the worse my episodes became and the worse the episodes became, the longer it took for me to recover. That was the life I lived.

Curled up on my side, tucked away in my bed and waiting for my heartbeat to once more fall into a steady beat, my eyes were locked onto the clock as it ticked past midnight. The more time past, the better I could breathe. I felt more alive and almost as if I wasn't ill. Almost.

Releasing a shuddering breath, I reached a shaking hand to my forehead to wipe the sweat away from my forehead. Distantly, as my ears stopped ringing, they picked up on the sound of my mother smothering her tears into her palms. She was in her usual spot, tucked away in the corner of my bedroom with my father's arms wrapped around her. As time continued to tick by, my ears lingered on the quiet murmur of 'Thank Merlin' coming from the foot of my bed. My eyes shifted then, off from the clock and towards the man who had risen from his spot to kneel before me.

Theseus, offering me a gentle smile that I tried to mirror, hid the way I knew he wanted to frown when I couldn't. Instead, he breathed out shakily as if he hadn't breathed since the clock approached midnight. Reaching into the inner pocket of his jacket, he withdrew his napkin and wiped softly at the cold sweat on my forehead. A while back – perhaps even a year ago, I would have batted at his hand because I couldn't let him show his care so obviously for me. We had been through this routine so often that I allowed it of him.

My voice, croaky from disuse, stung slightly as I asked, "Aren't you supposed to be tending to business in the Ministry?"

"How could I miss your birthday?" he asked, summoning a glass and casting an _Augamenti_. I searched his eyes for a moment; he really cared too much, choosing to skip out on a work priority in case I happened to miss my 19th birthday.

"This is quite the start to my birthday," I murmured, watching as my parents walked out of the room with a promise to bring in my birthday cake. I watched them leave with a sad smile; how could I tell them that I didn't have the strength to blow out 19 birthday candles.

Theseus remained, he always did, and when my eyes sought his out once more, I found his already waiting. Good Helga, what had I done to deserve this – his love?

Placing the glass of water on my bedside table, Theseus asked, "Do you want to sit up to have a drink?"

"Please."

He complied, lifting and folding the duvet back so I could sit up. Shaking arms pressed palm down against the mattress, I tried to prop myself up. It was too close to midnight still for the strength to flood through me once more. He was there in a heartbeat, an arm around my shoulder and the other propping my pillow against the headboard. Theseus did most of the manoeuvring as I struggled to sit. Finally, leaning against my pillow, I reached eagerly for the glass of water and drained it so quickly that my stomach hurt a little. Handing the glass back to Theseus, I noticed just the way he was looking at me, or rather the way he wasn't quite looking at me.

"Thee?" I prompted, shuffling slightly on the mattress so he could take a seat. He resisted at first, but at my insistent eyes, Theseus sat gingerly. "What is it? What can't you say to me?"

He really looked at me then, searching my eyes before admitting, "I have an idea."

I knew, without asking any more, what he was talking about. It seemed, that from the moment I'd been diagnosed with the blood curse, it was almost everything anyone talked about. Still, I waited.

"What if you linked your magical essence with that of someone else?" Finding a lack of comprehension, he hastily explained, "I've looked into the research behind it and spoken to some of my friends who are healers – it should be enough. It would be enough to help you heal until you're willing to bind yourself to someone through marriage."

"Someone." With a sigh, I tried not to curl up away from him, "You mean you?"

"I can handle it," Theseus assured me with a gentle smile. "I've already had myself had myself tested and my magic would accept the process willingly."

"No." Shaking my head firmly, I drew as far away from him as my body could allow. Theseus reached out an arm towards me, trying to placate me. Shrugging out of his touch, I narrowed my eyes on him. I gave him the harshest look I could manage. "_No_. You've already done so much for me and I can't ask you to give this much up for me as well."

"But you're not asking," he cajoled, earnestly. "I'm sitting here right before you, offering willingly to do this to save you. Let me save you."

If I were fainthearted, it would be enough to sway me. Enough to give into those beautiful eyes that watched me with such blatant hope that I wanted more than nothing to give him what he wanted. I wanted to give him anything to thank him even slightly for all that he'd given up for me, for being unable to offer the bleeding beating heart he'd offered to bind to mine the moment it was legal for me to marry.

"No," the whispered word broke my heart just as much as it did his. Theseus, in his own mind, would probably believe that I was rejecting even this from him – wanting to bind myself to him in no way. And I would let him harbour this misconception if only to protect him. "I would rather die than affect you more in any way."

* * *

It was my fault for believing that Theseus would accept my complete and utter refusal when it came to binding my magical essence with his. Of course, he had taken that to mean that I refused to bind myself to _him _and not that I refused to bind myself to someone else as well. I could understand how his desperation to help me allowed him to think that way. But I was still surprised that he had spoken to my parents about it. And my parents, matching and exceeding Theseus's pure want for my health, tried their very best to get me to understand, to consent to binding with Theseus. To doing that to him. How could they ask that of me?

In an attempt to calm those around me, I'd asked my parents to retrieve the books that had given Theseus the idea of binding my magical essence. It took me a long time to make it through the complicated text because reading for too long, especially when it was texts that required such a high level of comprehension, tended to give me headaches. My parents, to facilitate my curiosity, would often make simplified notes to ease the process.

My father had been the one to deliver the notes. He remained seated by my bed, watching as I reached the end of the papers and sighed heavily. Folding the parchment in half, I held them out once more towards my father who was hesitant to take it. My father, usually quiet, grew even quieter since my diagnosis. He believed it his fault – that it was the Copeland blood that was giving me the very curse that was killing me.

"Won't you consider it any longer?" he asked, holding my eyes. "Everything is a match and this could save you."

"Regardless," I started slowly, "how could I possibly do that to him? Just because he offered to do this so I could be healthier, how could I burden him with that? With this broken version of me?"

"He's willing to do it."

"It wouldn't have worked," I insisted, refusing to hear otherwise.

My father, growing tired of my stubbornness, sighed and said nothing more. He fell silent once again and rose to his feet. Eyes trailing after him, I watched as he rose to his feet and left my room, leaving the parchments of notes behind. Left alone to my thoughts and with nothing else to do, I reached for the notes once more and read them over to make sure that I hadn't missed anything. Not that it would matter; I had already made my decision.

Except I had missed something, something scrawled at the back of a page that I'd missed. It was enough to give me pause, for all the wrong reasons. Swallowing back the outrage, I steadied myself for a moment. And how was this supposed to convince me to agree to binding myself to Theseus? Even if it was my magical essence alone?

There was a knock on the door, three raps equally spaced apart and so distinctly Theseus that I folded the papers and held them in my lap. Eyes trained on the door, I called out for him to enter and he did with a smile. Pausing in the doorway, his eyes scanned the room to see just where I was and finding me on the bed, his eyes grew even further. Only, it faltered when I was unable to return it with one of my own, even if only a fragile smile.

He entered then, shutting the door slowly behind him and likely knowing that the conversation we were going to have was not going to be pleasant, he shuffled for a moment on his feet. To see this Auror, pride of the Auror department so hesitant, would have taken anyone else by surprise. But I'd seen him – this fragile, vulnerable part of him before. I'd grown up with him _before _he became who he was when he was just an older boy I could turn to.

"Why?" I demanded.

"Why?" he repeated, uncertain. Theseus, dropping his briefcase to the floor, shrugged out of his suit jacket and draped it over the back of the chair that was always beside my bed. It was his usual seat, and he settled into it with ease. "Well?"

"Why are you so willing to sacrifice so much for me?" I tried to demand once more, voice firm and flinty. But instead, it came out warbled and vulnerable. He didn't speak a word, instead willing to let me speak my mind before he would say anything. Reaching for the parchment, I shook it slightly. "Why for me?"

Theseus reached out, putting his hand soothingly on top of mine. He held it for a moment, removing his touch the next moment so quickly that I missed the warmth of his touch. "I still don't understand."

"By binding my magical essence to yours, any swaying feelings I had – any romantic attachment I had towards someone else – would hurt you." He continued to hold my eyes, refusing to look away as if what I was saying mattered little. How could any one person be so self-sacrificing? "You'd feel actual _physical _pain. And if I actually bound myself in the blood binding to someone else, what then? What happens to you?"

"What does it matter if I get hurt?" Voice thick and hoarse, Theseus reached out for my hand once more. Brushing his fingers over the back of my hand, he continued, "Especially when it means you'll be alive and healthy? Who cares about me getting hurt?"

"_I do." _

A complicated emotion flickered across his face, something that was part hurt, partly touched and partly heartbroken all in once. Avoiding my eyes, he murmured, "Not in the way you care about Newt, and that's why this will work."

"Use one brother to keep me alive long enough for me to marry the other?" Scoffing incredulously, I felt my own heart break at how he seemed to have decided it all. "Really? Even if it kills you?"

_Even if it's not what I want?_

* * *

The clock was once more ticking steadily towards midnight. Even if I tried not to look at the time, the clock was facing the armchair I was curled up in. It was too close to midnight for me to have the energy needed to avoid looking at it. My parents, who had given up attempting to coax me up to my bedroom, instead crowded around my armchair. They remained silent, sitting side by side as they struggled to keep their eyes on me; it was too difficult for them.

I wanted to ask them why they weren't used to this yet? We had been going through this every day for eight years and still, they lacked the strength to directly look at me whenever midnight approached. They didn't want to see what might be my last moments, terrified that it would be the image they say every time they closed their eyes. And I understood.

I understood their reasoning, wanting to take comfort in them. But it made me feel so alone, the realisation that because I wanted to bring them comfort, I faced the possibility of spending my last moments alone.

My parents rose from their place beside me as midnight ticked ever closer. Part of me was surprised they hadn't drifted away from me yet. I closed my eyes, resigning myself to what could possibly be my fate. It was coming closer – my breathing shallowed out as I tried to fill my lungs. It was getting harder to breathe, my lungs physically burning. Ears ringing, I paid absolutely no heed to anything that happened around me. Even when the floo activated, even when there was the thud of knees falling abruptly to the floor beside me. It was only the touch of a hand on the blanket, over my knees, that cut through the ringing. Forcing my eyes open, I found myself staring right into Theseus's concerned eyes. Helga, I wasn't surprised.

"I'm sorry I didn't get here earlier," he murmured, searching my eyes. For a moment, his hand left my knee, shifting unsteadily around me as he tried to make me comfortable. "Do you want me to carry you upstairs?"

Silently, I shook my head as much as I could – managing a very, _very _small motion. Swallowing thickly, Theseus nodded once, understanding. It was always so jarring, to see this pillar of strength, crumbling into splintered pieces every night.

"Why do you keep coming back?" I asked, the words coming out as nothing more than a lingering whisper. "Especially if it hurts you so much?"

Theseus heard my words, despite the lack of strength behind my words. He reached out, taking my hand it between both of his from beneath the blanket. Leaning in closer, he offered me a sad smile.

"If I missed the end, " he cut himself off with a muffled curse as if he couldn't bring himself to even finish the sentence, as if he hadn't faced that part of my reality.

I watched him contemplatively. Even as my breathing grew heavier, as my heart rate began to drop, he didn't look away. Theseus remained right where he was, eyes on mine and willing to see me right until the end. It was obvious he didn't _want _to see me like this but he was the sort of man that would remain here, right beside me only because I needed someone to be there. Needed him to be there. It really wouldn't be so bad to have his eyes – beautiful, emotive and heart-wrenchingly open in his own devastation – to be the last thing I saw.

Still, regardless of how close it drew to midnight, and I could feel in my bones that it _was _growing closer to midnight, I wasn't willing to go. Not without knowing the answer to the question that had been slumbering insistently in my mind, needing to be answered. It was close enough to midnight that I knew he would answer truthfully, he wouldn't beat around the bush.

"Thee," I called out with a whimper. He squeezed my hand to remind me that he wasn't leaving, that he was still there right beside me. "Why me?"

He understood exactly what I meant. For a moment, I thought he wouldn't answer but he did. Eventually, he let out a short breath before admitting hesitantly, "From the moment you fainted right into my arms in your first year, I knew I had to be responsible for you. I had to look after you because you were going through things you didn't deserve, and if I lost you from my life it would be the end of it for me. At first, you were a lingering shadow – my brother's lingering shadow until you grew up and you weren't." My eyes lingered on him, wanting to hear the entirety of his confession and I was so focused on him that I didn't pay any attention to myself. But, from the moment I saw the tension ease out of him, I knew that midnight had long since passed and it was easier to breathe. "And if you need me to be here for you every night, then I will be."

"I don't deserve it."

"No one deserves it more," he said, resolute.

With a shuddering breath, I searched his eyes. He really believed that. He honestly believed it and Helga, what was I supposed to do faced with his earnest desire to help me. But, how could I take any more from him? He was here, every night, losing sleep and rearranging his entire life around me so how could I accept any more? It was bad enough that I was affecting his life for however little time I had left – how could I live and let it prolong his suffering?

Eyes watering despite how adamantly I blinked, my voice warbled, "I'm sorry."

He said nothing, not a single word. Theseus had long since learnt that if he told me that I didn't need to apologise to him, it would be of no use. All he did was sigh out a single breath, offering me a watering smile of his own when I reached out a still trembling hand to straighten out the tie that had fallen crooked in his haste to reach my side.

* * *

Gradually, as we learned to cope with my blood course, my parents and I had settled into a schedule. They devoted their evenings to me, wanting to be near me as midnight grew closer but the moment there was only ten minutes left, they would shift away and withdraw once more from me. But because they spent so much time with me in the evenings, trying to find a cure that we'd yet to miss, they had to work during the daytime. Usually, they would rotate and switch off so that I wasn't left alone and so that someone was on hand as if I needed anything. It was almost suffocating. But then, there were those rare days when they both got the chance to work or to head out to get a moment to breathe. As selfish as it made me, having both my parents out of the house meant that _I _got the chance to breathe as well when Theseus – because it was usually Theseus – offered to look after me.

My parents got their chance at least once a week to do whatever it was, they needed to do because Theseus made a point of taking a day off from work. Whilst my parents believed he was always there to help them, I believed that only the pair of us knew the truth. Only we knew that he took the time off because I needed the space. Theseus, always so selfless and warm – thought of me even when I didn't think of myself; how could she not love him? How could anyone?

The matter was less about loving him and more about actually _allowing _myself to love him. The idea of loving Newt was easy, simple. It was simple because he was far away – far and out of touch and no chance of burdening him with a broken shell of how I used to be. Newt had no idea about my condition either, and that was for the best. The idea of loving Newt was just enough for everyone to leave me alone.

But because Theseus knew and because he was so willing to help, I had more freedom whenever he was home. And so, because I knew he wouldn't come running upstairs the moment he heard the floorboard beside my bed creak under my weight as I tried to stand up. And because he didn't rush upstairs to see if I needed anything, I could change out of my nightgown and into a fresher set of pyjamas, I felt refreshed. Refreshed enough to attempt to walk down the stairs unguided.

I was more than capable of walking but still, someone would help me just in case I took a bad tumble. Still, I took my time, walking out of my bedroom and down the hall until I reached the top of the staircase. The top stair creaked like it always did, and my eyes went instantly to the bottom, expecting to find Theseus standing there, willing to help me like he always was. But, not finding him there, it took me for pause. Usually, that creaking on the stairs was enough to have him running to help me down them, but without him there I made my own way down. Extremely slowly, but safely, nonetheless. Clinging to the railing, I breathed a little deeper when I reached the final step, slightly winded. Taking a moment to gather myself, I walked into the front room to search out just where Theseus had run off to.

It took very little searching to find him where he was sat on one of the dining chairs, so obviously lost in his thoughts. He sat head in his hands with his back facing me. Watching his burdened back in concern, I approached him slowly and if he hadn't been so concerned about – whatever – his Auror reflexes would have clocked me instantly. It had to be something important to have him so distracted.

Coming to a stop behind him, I reached out gentle hands to his broad shoulders. He started sharply at the contact, preparing to rise from his seat.

"I'm fine, Theseus," I assured softly, thumbs brushing soothingly over his shirt. "You can stay seated."

He sighed out deeply, brushing a hand over his face. It was when he refused or was unable to even give me a smile, I knew what was wrong. Without a word, I reached slowly towards him and embraced him from behind. Theseus breathed out a shaking exhale.

"Who was it this time?"

The lingering silence was enough for me to know that he didn't want to talk, didn't want to think too much on the colleague they had lost in the line of fire. Smothering down the rest of my questions, I continued to embrace him in silence, trying to give him just a fraction of the comfort that he so easily gave to me. I didn't think I'd even partially succeeded.

Eventually, he spoke trying to bring some light to his voice and not quite managing it, "What are we going to do if your parents walk in?"

I shook my head, breathing out a sigh. Stepping closer to him, I rested my head against the back of his as I murmured, "These broad shoulders already have so much to bear, how could I add my burden as well?"

After a while, Theseus brought his hands up, smoothing them down my arms and taking my hands in his. His thumb stroked the inside of my palm, back and forth in gentle motions. "Yours would be the lightest to bare."

"I can't."

Theseus sighed once more but said nothing else. He helped me then, straighten up to take the seat beside him. I shifted my body to face him, staring searchingly into his face as he turned towards me, his thighs bracketing mine in. Continuing to watch me intently, he eventually dropped his eyes to our still joined hands.

It was my turn to study him then, to see the real damage a life lifting burdens had done to him. How ever could I allow myself to sway?

* * *

There were days when I thought this curse was particularly cruel and those days were the ones where I'd spent the day actually doing something, or when I hadn't felt so completely unable to do anything. To come home after spending a day outside and to be confined once more to my bed as my breathing grew ragged almost made me want to cry. It was as if I was being punished for trying to enjoy what little I had left of my life.

Even now, as I struggled to breathe, as my chest rose and fell rapidly in an attempt to bring some air into my lungs, I felt tears prick my eyes. Merlin, I hadn't panicked this badly since the first year of this. And the sight of my panic was enough to have my parents growing even more emotional and I was right there with them. Maybe this really was the end.

Struggling to sit up in the bed, I glanced quickly towards Theseus who was there, propping me up when it became clear that I wasn't going to be able to do it by myself. Eyes closed, I refused to look at the clock, leaning heavily against Theseus's chest as my head grew too heavy to hold. His chest rose and fell steadily, something for me to try to match my own breathing too. He was speaking – he was saying something to me, something that I couldn't hear over the ringing over my ear or even hope to respond to. It was the first time that I'd never been able to speak – never been able to summon my voice.

He realised it and I knew he realised it from the way he sucked in a deep breath. This was it; this was the end.

"What if this is it?" mother's question cut through the ringing and I warbled out a whimper, turning into Theseus's chest and trying not to soak it through with my tears.

There was a hand, large and warm, cradling it as if to soothe me. Sucking in a deep breath, I drew away from him to risk a glance at the clock from over his shoulders, needing to know just how much time I had left. And realising there were less than five minutes left until midnight, I tried to stop myself from hyperventilating before I began. The clock could not be the last thing I saw in my life, I refused to allow that to be the case.

I reached out for Theseus, grabbing his hand and trying to take some comfort for it. Theseus, still kneeling beside my bed, leaned over our clasped hands and I could hear him praying under his breath for more time. And Merlin, if that wasn't enough to remind me just how unfair this all was. I'd always thought I was fine with this – dying young, that I had made my peace with it. But actually, getting so close to it, I realised that I was nowhere near ready to go.

Theseus's prayers were a persistent murmur, falling upon deaf ears. And at that moment, seeing his head bowed so desperately over our hands, so close that his forehead was almost touching them, made me want to reach out to comfort him. If only I could actually move my hand. Something hot and wet – a tear – fell onto my hand. I sucked in a shuddering breath, closing my eyes and accepting my fate.

…

Slowly, so completely unexpectedly, everything faded. The ringing in my ears eased, and the feeling returned to my bones. The strength flooding back into me was enough for me to raise a hand, heavy and dull, to his head. Theseus's head shot up at the contact, eyes raking over me with hopeful eyes. Quickly, he looked to the clock, realising that midnight had passed without incident. His eyes were so focused on the clock – everyone's eyes were – that they paid no heed to the way my shallow breathing had yet to even out, that it still felt like there was an iron fist clutched around my throat.

When Theseus turned his eyes once more to me, the relieved smile fell from his face in a matter of seconds. He called out quickly for my parents, telling them that I was growing pale. Mother rushed to the bed then, fingers pressed to my pulse to get a reading. My head, growing heavy lulled in her direction and I saw her whimper, saw her mouth make the words the midnight had already gone, that none of this made any sense, that –

The panic was tangible in the air –

Theseus, ever the hero in times of high stress snapped into action. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder, cradling me against his chest and with the other he held my mothers' hand firmly. Holding her eyes, he spoke earnestly and told my parents to run ahead and speak to St. Mungos to tell them we were coming. Mother, reluctant to leave, was ushered away with my father to the floo.

Left alone with me Theseus breathed out a shaking sigh and apologised for manhandling me before lifting me into his arms. Slumping against his chest, I pressed my ear against his heart, trying to match the rise and fall of my chest to his –

The very last thing I heard was the floo activating

* * *

When I woke up, it took me a while to work out where I was. Eyes heavily, I blinked repeatedly to alleviate the remaining fatigue before looking around the room. I wasn't in my bedroom and, as I looked around at the stark white walls, a wave of familiarity washed over me once more. Sighing, I pressed my head further into my pillow; I was in St. Mungos. Again.

I searched the room again, wanting to know just how long I had been here. Turning to my side, I reached across the table and fumbled for the newspaper perched on the edge. Whether it was today's paper or not, I realised that I'd been here in this bed for multiple days now. Replacing the newspaper, my eyes finally shifted towards the occupied chair at my bedside.

Theseus was sat, slumped in the chair asleep with his head propped up by a hand resting on the arm. We'd been in this situation so often that I wasn't surprised to see him dressed in a crumpled shirt with his suit jacket thrown haphazardly over one of the other chairs. This situation was so familiar that I knew my parents were walking through the hospital to stretch their legs from having been sat for so long.

"Theseus," I managed quietly. It was enough.

The call of his name, quiet and husky, was enough to wake him from even the deepest depths of his sleep. It was one of the consequences of his line of work – the lightest thing waking him from his sleep. My eyes lingered on him, watching as he bolted away, sitting up properly in his chair. Within seconds, the sleep left his eyes, as he searched over me for signs of any physical harm. He looked past the purple bags beneath my eyes, the way my collarbones were jutting too much from beneath my skin and breathed out a shaking sigh.

"Thank Merlin," he murmured, rubbing a hand over his face before he reached to the table, towards the pitcher of water. "Here."

Silently, I took the extended glass and drank it with slow sips. I continued to watch him from over the glass, "What is it, Thee?"

"Nothing." He shook his head, offering me a hesitant smile. "I sent your parents' home – your mother hasn't slept in days so I promised her I would watch over you. Do you want me to call her?"

"Let her sleep." Holding the glass out, I waited for him to take it once more. "They're both going to return when midnight draws closer, anyway."

We settled into a silence, where I couldn't seem to keep my eyes from lingering to him. Submitting all too easily, I watched him searchingly. Theseus, feeling my eyes, rubbed a hand over his stubbled jaw; just how long had he been here?

"What is it?" he asked, this time.

"Aren't you tired?"

"I wanted to be here," he evaded, "just in case."

"How long have you slept then?" He evaded with a shrug, once more.

Frowning, I eyed my hospital bed. Shuffling to one side of the bed, I gestured for Theseus to lower the safety railing on the other side of the bed. For a moment, he refused to move and simply watched me steadily; he knew what I was offering.

"I can go home," he offered, gesturing towards the door, "once someone comes to be by your side."

"There's no knowing how long you're going to be waiting," I pointed out. "But right now, you're struggling to keep your eyes open."

For a long moment, Theseus was just watching me. I held his eyes, wanting him to know just how serious I was about this; how I wanted to help him even slightly. Even if it was letting him nap for a moment because I knew – now that I was awake – he wouldn't allow himself to sleep in my presence. In his own words, he didn't want to miss a minute. Theseus shuffled forward slightly, perched on the edge of the chair. Lowering his chin onto propped hands, he held my eyes and asked slowly, "Do you want me to stay?"

"Only if you want to." Hesitant, I continued to watch him before folding the corner of the blanket back so he could get in.

He took the silent cue, rising to his feet and approaching the bed. Theseus remained standing at the side, and as if to remove the last of his hesitance, I shuffled as far back as I could – until my back touched the safety railing.

Theseus looked away from me then, breathing out a shuddering sigh before replacing the blanket once more. He tucked it securely around me, avoiding my searching eyes. Before the rejection could settle deep within my bones, he joined me on the bed, lying atop the blanket. His legs, too long for the bed, were bent at the knee as he laid down facing me. I breathed out slowly; I was used to being this close to Theseus because he'd often move me around when I was too weak to, but not like this. Not lying face to face like this.

Swallowing nervously, I edged a little closer to him just to stop the railing from digging into my back. His eyes, growing too heavy on my face, had me lowering my head, tucking it safely under his chin. Like this, tucked so safe around him, I felt like nothing could harm me. Not even this blood curse. As if his broad shoulders would be enough to keep everything that wanted to harm me at bay. Merlin, it was almost too much.

He breathed out an almost relieved sigh against the top of my head, a hand coming up to pat my back reassuringly from over the blanket.

"10 minutes," he promised as I closed my eyes, more to himself than to me. "No more than 10 minutes."

A lesser man would have lacked the conviction he did. They would have fallen asleep right beside because of just how sleep deprived the last few days had made them. But Theseus was nothing, if not resolute. When sometimes passed – 10 minutes to the dot, I was sure – Theseus rose to his feet and carefully extracted himself from around me as if thinking that I was asleep. With my eyes still closed, I couldn't bring myself to look at him as he tucked the blanket around me once more. I listened out carefully, hearing the chair move once more under his weight.

Perhaps, because I wasn't looking at him, I had the strength to ask, "Will you mourn me?"

Silence.

I opened my eyes once more, finding his own spearing me through my hair. His eyes, open and honest, and heart-breaking in their truth, refused to look away. "You would take my heart with you."

I wasn't worth any of this.

* * *

Once I had been discharged from the hospital, I was once more in my bedroom and tapped with nothing to do but to keep brushing my hair, reading different books and writing letters to people that I would never send out. There was very little to do and, as after each time I was admitted to the hospital, my parents weren't so willing to let me have as much free reign as I used to. Even then, there wasn't much that I was allowed to do.

With a sigh, I rose from the bed, folding my duvet back and approaching the bookshelf with slow steps. I searched each of the titles, trying to remember which of the books I had reread the longest ago. Finding it, I drew it from the shelf and went to make my way back to my bed when a knock on the door had me stopping in my step.

"Come in." The door, pushed open only enough for Theseus to peek his head into the room. He searched the space, looking for me and finding me where I stood. When he still lingered, I gestured him in.

Theseus was quick to comply, shutting the door behind him. His appearance, although usually in my bedroom, took me by surprise as for the first time in what was probably months, he stood dressed casually. I was so used to seeing the suits he wore on a daily basis because of his work, that seeing so comfortably, threw me.

"You've got a day off then," I guessed with a smile, continuing on my way back to my bed. Settling down comfortably, I set the book aside and asked, "What are you doing here? So early in the day, especially?"

I shot a glance towards the clock; it had just gone 11 am and Theseus usually came to visit me later on in the day.

He continued to smile, propping his back against my shut door. "Your parents gave me permission to take you out of the house. The last time you came home from the hospital, you wound up with cabin fever."

Even the notion of being allowed out of the house had me so pleased that I didn't ask what Theseus had done to convince my parents. Instead, I thanked him wholeheartedly, setting the book aside and preparing to get ready. Theseus hurriedly left the room, giving me more than enough time to dress and knowing how weak I still was, he gave me more than enough time to dress.

When he did return, Theseus knocked on the door and waited outside until I called out for him to enter. After making sure that I was well prepared enough to go wherever he was taking me, Theseus took me by the hand and led me to the staircase. Wrapping an arm around my shoulder, he helped me down the stairs, stopping whenever it seemed like I was getting overwhelmed. I tried to convince him to continue forward but Theseus remained unmoved, insisting we would carry on only when I was ready to.

Finally, after it took too long to reach the bottom of the stairs, Theseus waited patiently as I slumped against his chest to give me the chance to catch my breath. Breathing deeply, I risked a look into his face, "I'm going to be tough to handle, Theseus."

"I've handled much worse," he reassured, the arm around my shoulder squeezing me warmly.

Knowing that Theseus would be able to handle me, even at my very worst, I was content to let Theseus lead me out of the house after we checked in with our parents. Leading me to the front of our house, Theseus secured his arms around me before apparating away. We reappeared moments later, and shrugging out of Theseus's hands, I studied the area completely deserted green space around us.

We stood, right in the middle of a field, at the foot of a large hill with a telescope at the top. There was absolutely no one else around. Turning curiously towards Theseus, I watched as he waited for a reaction from me.

"It's a wizarding telescope," he explained to me with an outstretched hand. I took his hand in mine, smiling as he explained, "it lets you see the stars even in the daytime. Before your parents had to take you out of Hogwarts, you loved Astronomy."

Squeezing his hand thankfully, I sent him a smile as we started to walk up the hill. It was steep, steeper than it looked and, in our pursuit to reach the top we had to take multiple breaks along the way so I could catch my breath. Theseus didn't complain and I certainly didn't complain either. Helga, I was so pleased to actually be outside, to be able to breathe in the fresh air, that despite my struggles on climbing the hill, I was grinning. Releasing Theseus's hand, I outstretched both mine outwards to cut through the breeze blowing around us.

Eventually, I extended my hand once more towards Theseus, falling short when I saw the way he was looking at me. I raised an eyebrow, silently.

"It's been so long since I saw you like this," he said with a shrug, accepting my hand as we walked the final stretch to the top of the hill.

Our pace was slow, slower than I knew Theseus appreciated, but he patiently remained by our side. Once we arrived at our destination, he let go of my hand and hung back as I walked excitedly towards the telescope. Adjusting it slightly, fingers shaking with just how excited I was, I peered through the lens and breathed out an awestruck smile; despite the sun being high in the sky, the stars were clear.

I moved the telescope slightly, looking at a different spot when Theseus spoke from behind me. His voice was so different from how it was minutes ago – guarded and tight. "Newt might be coming back soon."

Caught off guard, I looked away from the telescope and back towards Theseus. He watched me solemnly, "Why? You haven't – surely you haven't written to him to tell him he needs to come home?"

"No, not yet." He shook his head slowly, swallowing harshly, "But I may. Once Newt comes home, you can bind yourself to him. You can both skip binding your magical essences together and instead, go straight for the blood binding. I'm certain it would work from his side."

"Don't," I said firmly, taking him by surprise. When it seemed like Theseus was going to press the matter further, I shook his head and halted the step he made to approach me. "Don't ask him to come in order to form this bond because it won't work. Not from my side."

He searched my eyes then, looking for a sign of a lie. Finding none, he struggled to ask me anything. Eventually, he settled on, "Since when?"

"I'm not sure," I answered truthfully, turning away from him and returning to the telescope.

I used it to avoid having to focus once more on Theseus and found myself not as interested in looking at the stars anymore. Instead, Theseus lost in his thoughts about the sudden revelation that I had confessed to him, did not push me for an explanation for anything. He never did. In this instance, I was infinitely grateful for it.

When I finally turned back to Theseus, I found him sitting and waiting with a picnic set out. Silently, he gestured for me to sit beside him and I joined him. Neither of us spoke much, settling into the implications of what I had said and when we did begin to speak, it was things of very little significance. We probed no deeper. I asked about his work, listened as he spoke of the raid, he'd led last night, and he asked about what I'd been reading before he came by this morning and if I needed anything else.

Eventually, Theseus glanced at his watch and sighed, preparing to rise to his feet. "We should make a move if we want to get home in time. With you walking, we're going to need to leave a lot of time spare."

"I don't know if I can walk," I admitted with a sigh, rising to my feet. Dusting the grass off of my skirt, I moved to help pack everything up.

He silently motioned for me to step aside and with a wave of his wand, everything was packing itself away. I watched, more than a little jealous of his magic; I'd long since become unable to use my magic. My body simply was no longer strong enough for it. Once everything was backed back into the little basket, Theseus used the banishing charm to send it away. Finally, he turned towards me, extending a hand for me to take.

"We could apparate," he offered as I settled my hand in his. Seeing my look of displeasure, he amended, "Or not."

"I'm not sure I'm quite ready to be stuck inside again." Just the thought of it had me shaking my head, "Part of me wants to stay away for as long as I can."

Theseus looked at me for a long moment, thinking of some solution. Eventually, he approached me with a slow smile and I watched, hesitantly as he crouched down with his back to me.

"Thee?"

"Get on."

When I still refused, he remained insistently in front of me. I waited for him to stand but he wouldn't, not even when I tried to physically lift him. Finally, I complied with a sigh, wrapping my arms around his neck. He easily rose to his feet, arms coming around to support my legs. Theseus gave me a moment to adjust before he started walking slowly back down the hill.

"One day," I started slowly, propping my chin on his shoulder, "you're going to make a woman very happy. You're going to be a very attentive husband."

I heard him swallow thickly, and for a moment I thought he would say nothing. But he did. Theseus turned his head slightly towards me before looking forward once more as he reminded me, "I'm only looking to make an attentive husband to one woman in particular."

"You're too much of a good man to be lumbered with me. Especially when I'm this frail."

Sighing, he grumbled, "This is not the conversation I want to be having with you."

Falling silently, I simply tightened my arms around his neck as he walked. Comfortable in his arms, I let my eyes fall shut to enjoy the wind running slowly through my hair. With a content sigh, I wondered just how long it would be before I got to feel it again. If I ever felt it again.

As if he'd come to some conclusion, as if he'd used the silence to come to terms with something in his head, Theseus started to speak once more, much more solemn. "If your heart has faltered towards Newt –"

He cut himself off, but I heard nonetheless, the words he didn't dare speak. If my heart had faltered towards Newt, who had it gone towards?

"No one." I murmured. _No one else but you_. Breathing out a sigh, I listened as Theseus called my name gently. Slowly and softly into the wind, I admitted quietly, "If things were different, if I could become something other than a burden to you, then I would let myself love you. Like you should be loved."

I felt, more than heard his sharp intake of breath but I fell silent once more, unwilling to speak another word. No matter how much he coaxed, no matter how he tried to get me to repeat the words once more, I didn't. I had let them pass my lips once already – despite previously thinking I would never bring them into the world by speaking them – they would never leave me again. Faltering once was enough.

* * *

It seemed, that Theseus had been through too much – he had sat by my side as midnight approached and ultimately passed on one too many nights. Tonight, like the many nights that had already passed, he was sitting at my bedside and keeping careful watch over me. Watching Theseus from behind tired eyes, I couldn't make out what he was saying to my parents. But whatever he said, had them growing solemn before they agreed to give us some time alone.

When we were left alone, I glanced curiously back towards Theseus. "Thee?"

He sighed tiredly, rubbing a hand over his face. "I think enough is enough."

"I don't – I don't understand."

"No," he spoke, voice firm and leaving no space for negotiation. "_I _don't understand. I simply don't understand your way of thinking, if this binding can happen between the pair of us, why won't you let it happen?"

"_Thee." _Sighing tiredly, I silently held my arm out to him. He took my arm, helping me up so I could sit properly against the headboard. I watched as he perched on the edge of my bed, eyes remaining resolutely on mine; this conversation would not be disappearing on its own. "Surely you of all people understand just how weak my body is right now – I can't stand on my feet for too long. Or even cast a single spell. You of all people know what a burden I can –"

"Don't." I fell silent, watching him with shielding eyes. Wringing my hands together beneath the duvet, I settled down to listen; he'd never interrupted me before. "Don't use that as a reason for ending your own life by refusing the only way out."

Hesitant, I asked, "Then what would you rather I do?"

"You know already; I'd rather you alive." He reached out steadily, placing a fleeting hand on my knee from over the blanket. "Even if you consider yourself a burden, I need you to understand that you're a burden that I'd be grateful to carry – grateful that you chose me to carry it."

His eyes alone were almost enough to convince me. His eyes paired with his words had me faltering in the face of his blatant honesty that I had to do something. Drawing my knees towards my chest, I watched his hand fall from me and curl his fingers around the empty space.

Clearing my throat, I insisted, "You feel responsible for me."

"Yes." He nodded, "And why is that such a bad thing? Bad enough that you'd consider dying over marrying me via the blood binding?"

"There's nothing bad about you – nothing wrong with you." I searched his eyes, trying and needing him to understand that of all of this – he had no flaw that was contributing to my obstinance. Rather, he was simply _too good _for me to make him suffer even longer. "You feel responsible and at some point, that sense of responsibility turned into a love that has you stuck like this, lingering at my side. If I weren't someone that needed your constant help, this wouldn't be the way you felt, Thee."

He could only watch me in silence for a moment and I knew he was using that silence to try and gather his thoughts in a way that would make me understand. Eventually, he shook his head before speaking slowly, rationally in a way that told me just how much he wanted me to pay attention to his every word, "Even if you weren't ill as you are now, I would still be arguing with himself for each moment I spent with you. Every moment with you is an internal argument between the part of me that wants nothing more than to be the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with, and the part of me that is Newt's older brother and knows of the fondest he has for you that he would never speak of."

Breathing out shakily, I struggled not to be drawn into his words. Still, when he took my hand in his, I didn't pull my hand away. Even when his thumb rubbed gently back and forth over my knuckles.

"Having this constant threat of your life being cut short at any moment has given me an excuse to be selfish." Eyes glued to his, I couldn't look away from Theseus as he drew closer to me. Speaking quietly, he insisted, "I want, more than anything, for you to let me be selfish. Just this once."

He held my eyes still, waiting for some sort of response from me. But how could I speak a word when it felt like his words had stolen every word from my memory? Instead, I sat up properly and shuffled slowly to close the space between us. Theseus didn't move back, and it seemed like he didn't even breathe when I was close enough. I considered him for another long _long _moment before brushing a single hand over his cheek. He breathed out a shaking sigh, turning into me when I pressed a single kiss to his cheek. I drew back from him slowly once more.

"Then I have your consent," he started slowly, searching my eyes, "to arrange for the binding?"

I took another moment to think, to really make sure that it would be okay to let him carry the weight of my life on his shoulders as well. If it was something, he was willing to bear, and if he was the only person I wanted to spend my life with, what was there to think about. I nodded, slow and steady.

He smiled then, beautiful and relieved and it was enough to make me think I'd made the right decision. With an incredulous laugh, Theseus leaned close enough to press his forehead against my own. His eyes flickered shut and I studied him from the close distance; he looked much younger already. As if my consent had stripped away the stress that had been keeping him down for so long.

"I have to speak to your father," he murmured reluctantly, drawing away from me.

Theseus rose to his feet, but before he left the room, he dropped a final kiss to the top of my head. I watched him leave, unable to stop my smile as I settled, once more, against my pillows.


	2. Epilogue: 7 Years Later

_7 YEARS LATER_

This was the single most terrified I had been since I had been diagnosed with the blood curse that was intent on killing me. The curse, which had fizzled out into nothing following my marriage to Theseus, had lingering effects. Even after marrying him, it took years for my body to recover, to become as healthy as it was supposed to be. It was years after our marriage that I could properly become a wife to Theseus that he didn't have to watch with worry-filled eyes. He had been a faithful companion in every step of my recovery; there to cheer when I faltered, there to chastise when I grew too desolate and there to celebrate every small victory.

The sheer terror had left my life for years but upon falling pregnant with our first child and upon finding out that we would have a daughter, the terror-filled my life once more. The pregnancy that was supposed to be the marker of beginning a family with Theseus was instead riddled with so much complete terror that I couldn't bring myself to talk to Theseus for days following on from finding out about our daughter. It was selfish and immature but I hadn't wanted to share my fears with him – fears that were right there in his eyes. And now, now that our daughter was nearing her second birthday and old enough for Healers to detect the beginnings of a blood curse, I was terrified to the bone. No wonder I hadn't been sorted into Gryffindor.

Theseus had called in a favour with the Ministry, requesting that they contact the country's lead healer on blood curses and arranged for a screening in the safety of our own home. So, as I remained standing in the corner of the room, I watched as Theseus stood vigilant over our daughter who sat patiently for the Healer as he ran test after test. At first, Theseus had tried to beckon me forward but I refused, needing to keep distance as if getting too close would bring a positive result; I could understand why my mother was always so insistent on keeping far from me at the decisive moment. Did she too think that her presence would interfere and bring forth more troubles?

Finally, once the Healer had completed all of his tests, I approached Theseus and joined his side. He stood rigid; hands clasped behind his back as he waited for the verdict. How would he survive the blow of finding out that I had brought this curse to our daughter? He would never blame me, but I would blame myself. With a shuddering sigh, I reached out to rub a hand soothingly over Theseus's back in order to bring him some ease. It worked slightly.

The rest of the tension left him when our daughter turned towards her father, holding her arms up towards him. He stooped down to hold her close and drew her safely into her arms. Our daughter, content and safe in her father's arms, rested her head against his shoulder. Theseus, always the protector of our family – how would he protect us from this?

Finally, after taking his sweet time, the Healer turned once more towards us with a professional smile. The sight of it had me faltering, feeling like the ground had caved from beneath me. But only until their smile grew broader.

"There is absolutely nothing to worry about," the Healer assured, missing the way I heaved a large sigh of relief. Turning into Theseus's side, I burrowed my face against the sleeve of his shirt to hide my relieved tears. His arm came around my waist, thumb rubbing soothingly over the flare of my hip as he listened to the Healer assure us that our daughter wouldn't have to worry about facing the curse I had suffered through for my formative years.

Managing to compose myself, I brushed my tears away and straightened up once more to thank the Healer for taking the time out of their schedule to come to our home. Theseus, preparing to see the Healer out, handing our daughter to me and although she was reluctant to leave her father's arms – both her and my favourite place to be – burrowed her head under my chin. She smothered a yawn against my neck, bringing her thumb to her mouth. We had tried our hardest to stop her from gaining the habit but I was so relieved that today I didn't remove it from her mouth.

Instead, I adjusted my arms around our daughter and rocked her slowly as we walked back to her nursery. By the time we reached her crib, she was sleeping soundly. Settling her down gently with a kiss to her forehead, and brushing a hand over her hair, I raised the railing on the side. Reaching for my wand which was almost permanently tucked into the waistband of my skirt, I waved it once to dim the lights of the room.

Returning my wand to its place, I held securely onto the railing and breathed out a relieved sigh. Theseus, always knowing when I needed him to rest on, appeared at my back. His arms came around me to hold onto the railing, letting me lean back on his chest. Propping his chin on top of my head, he watched our daughter from over our head. Chuckling quietly, he simply shook his head when I looked curiously towards him.

One of his hands fell to my stomach, rubbing softly over the curve, "Thank Helga, this one is a boy."

Laughing slowly, I nodded silently in agreement. Resting properly against him when he rested his other hand on my stomach. He gave a gentle call of my name, making me hum in response.

"I love you," he murmured softly against the curve of my ear.

Turning in Theseus's arms, I burrowed my face into his shirt and breathed in his comforting scent. He smelt of home. "I love you too."


End file.
